Life’s Lessons that I believe completely but, in many cases, follow rarely.
You will only realize retrospectively, how beautiful, thin, and talented you really were.
Adults are just kids in big bodies.
No one really knows what they’re doing.
Not even the cutest heel trumps your inability to walk in them. Learn to strut in your house before going prime time (or wear flats).
Celebrate everything, and help others celebrate.
Say “yes” more
If possible, always try to do it yourself first. There is much to learn; be an asset.
Flirt. Or if you’re like me, pretend you’re a siren. Consider letting them live in the end.
Read more.
Don’t lower your expectations. What kind of bullshit is that. Get disappointed, and then decide to say fuck those people.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Stop pretending you don’t give a fuck. You give a fucking fuck, you fuck.
Stop prioritizing those who should only be an option.
Ask for what you want directly; see what happens. Worst case you’re exactly where you are.
Make it a priority to show those you love that they matter to you. Buy them those “just because” things. Show up, every time.
Stop telling people what you’re planning on doing and then getting disappointed. If you want to start working out, do it now and consistently, but don’t announce it. Announcing it will become your failure.
Contrary to social media, we’re all a little lonely and we all like validation. If making duck lips makes you feel beautiful: Quack Quack motherfucker
You get to make your own rules for your life and they don’t have to make sense to anyone but you.
You don’t need motivation, so stop looking for it. Create habits that are irrelevant to your moods.
Sometimes you need to use your brain to manipulate the fuck out of your inner voice. Learn the art of winning those inner battles, even if you have to fight a little dirty.
Everyone has walls. Everyone has been wounded; you’re not special in this way. Learn how to reconnect anyways.
This is probably one of the few instances that I swiped-right based more on what was written on his profile than from the unfortunate connection between my thumb and loins. I mean seriously, aside from the beard, it would seem that we were pretty much destined to be together forever. Right? We started talking and hit it off right away. It was obvious that he was charming, educated, quick-witted and in all honesty, he reminded me of one of my very most favorite (yet married) male friends. We talked regularly for a few days, and opted to meet for Bloody Mary’s at De Vere’s on Super bowl Sunday.
The Date: We had no idea if De Vere’s would be a good idea, or the worst idea ever on Super Bowl Sunday, but I appreciated his willingness to do whatever if we arrived and it was filled with stupid. I got there about a bit early to scope it out and pleasantly surprised that it was mostly empty. It had been raining on and off all morning, but since there was a bit of an overhang on the patio, I asked them to turn on the heaters, grabbed a Bloody Mary and headed outside.
First Impressions: Open. Interesting. Nice.
The conversation flowed much like it did over text. I found his stories to be affable and nothing about him struck me as dull or disingenuous. I can’t say that I had the impression that he or I were particularly taken by one another. When I’m really besotted with someone, my face gets warm and the air seems thick when I am near them; the air was just… air… and that was a bit disappointing. On the other hand, I wasn’t in a hurry for the date to end either. We sat there for over an hour before walking over to Uncle Vito’s for a slice.
As time went on, two very important things became apparent:
The man sitting next to us is definitely annoyed by our disinterest in the game, a Rams fan, leans to the right, does not wash his pants regularly, and likely does not give himself that third and final shake after urinating and…
The man sitting across from me, while kind and compassionate, definitely is bitter and jaded by life and love, and probably has some shit he needs to figure out before really being able to find his person.
The rest of this story is rather uneventful. I followed him back to him place and we walked his dog, chatted a bit more, and then I headed home. We texted briefly a few days ago, but I think we both had a sense leaving that neither expected a second date. With that said, I would totally enjoy getting to know him more in another capacity. I do think he’s a catch, I just think it’s better that I leave my pole at home.
While I would love to write about The Great Carrot Dangler or talk about Mr. Forbidden Fruit, right now really isn’t the time; the reasons are complicated and certainly entertaining, but both are better left unsaid at the moment.
How illusive.
Moving on.
Full Disclosure: While
I am excited to write about these new experiences, I’ll do my best to avoid
names or key details about the person, because that just seems like the nice
thing to do. I mean, I’m not trying to rip anyone apart. Everyone has an equal
and opposite someone that’ll love the fuck out of them. Some stuff is probably
embellished (it is), but that’s just really my skewed perception of reality. With
that said, if you are reading this and want to give me a piece of your mind
while remaining anonymous, send me an email and maybe I’ll post it.
Hinge (1):
We probably started chatting a week or two before we met up,
but ultimately we decided that he would pick me up the day after Christmas and
we would head to Sierra at Tahoe to go snowboarding. My idea. Once the decision
was made, I quietly resolved that I was a genius and that either this was going
to be so great, or I was going to be stuck in a car with a dumb pretty dude
wishing to be vulture food. In either of these scenarios, the opportunity for
adventure seemed worthwhile.
Truth be told, I was actually pretty nervous to go out with
this guy. Between the podcast, the band, the pretty face, and the ex wife
that’s way fucking stunning, I knew this was an uphill climb. I mean, his ex is
like luxury car fine and I’m over here cute in a VW Bug type-of-way.
The Date: He sent me a text alerting me that he had arrived and as I exited my house I saw him across the street in front of my neighbors house with the trunk open. Immediately upon seeing me, he closed the trunk, jumped in his car and drove the additional 25 feet around the Court, only to smile, emerge, and open the trunk again. As a first introduction, I found this to be totally unnecessary and completely charming.
First Impressions: Endearing. Simple. Kind. Edgy.
The drive to Sierra didn’t fall too far off course. He was
sweet and charismatic and somehow the stories flowed effortlessly, like two old
friend that had nothing but time. While neither of us looked beyond ordinary in
our snowboard gear, there was certainly something about his manner that made me
curious about him; he was unlike anyone that I can recall ever going on a date
with and that, in and of itself, made him that much more appealing.
We arrived at Sierra around 9AM and did the usual gearing up
in the parking lot. At one point he reached in his pocket and pulled out a
packet of gummy worms, in case we decided we wanted a snack on the mountain. Of
course, my dumb ass didn’t put it together until hours later that these were
edibles. In my head I really just thought he made these little baggies with a
few gummy worms in them, just in case we wanted a snack. We bought our tickets,
had an honorary Bloody Mary and headed up on the mountain. Most of our day
consisted of snowboarding down separately and then catching the lift back up
with one another. At one point we did take an intermission for another drink,
and then again for lunch. I would say that there were moments it seemed we were
vibing on each other, but we also could have just been a bit drunk on snow, a
cracked rib (?), vodka, and gummy worms.
Most of our getting to know each other really happened on the drive there and back. On the way home we were both pretty exhausted. I really didn’t know what it was that I thought about him romantically, and I’m pretty sure he felt the same way: Mostly nothing with a floss of maybe. I liked our conversations and the energy between us, but I could also tell that he never seemed fully present. In some ways, I felt like we could just as easily be friends.
Overall: 8/10
Doesn’t this all just sound so sweet; don’t worry, it’s
coming.
That night he dropped me off at home and while we considered
meeting up for a glass of wine, and we probably could have kissed, neither were
in the cards. I did manage to leave my sunglasses in his car, which gave me a
huge eyeroll. Believe me, if I was going to do that shit on purpose, I would
have left Target sunglasses, not the ones I wear every day. The following evening
I was out with Michelle having some wine at Tiger, when he suggested I stop by
his place and grab my glasses, since he lived nearby. So, Michelle drove me
over to his place and I sat on the bumper of his car waiting for him to meet me
at the curb. Before I even knew what hit me, I had my sunglasses in my hand,
his lips on my mouth, and then he was gone.
What the hell was that!?
We continued talking over the course of the evening and the
following week. On Saturday, I had just finished up at the gym and was sitting
in the CVS parking lot when he asked me if I wanted to stop by for coffee. I
ran back into the CVS to buy deodorant, eyeliner, mascara and a myriad of other
drug store items to slather on my face before getting to his place. “Are you
almost here?” Umm… Should I tell him I’m
sitting in my fucking car outside of his place trying to look less like a
Goddamn Volkswagen!
“Be right there!”
Coffee was quick and simple. We talked for about 45 minutes,
kissed a few times, and then he told me he needed to finish his laundry and
deliver some late Christmas goods. I went home. Over the next few days, we
still texted here and there, but I could tell that something seemed different. At
one point he mentioned that he didn’t know what he was looking for or what his
intentions were. I suggested that we just makeout now and he figure out whatever
his intentions are later.
“Ok”
I ask him if he wants to hang out that evening since neither
of us have kids and he says something about needing to do laundry, get a hair
cut, and clean his place. I give him a hard time about his shitty
prioritization skills, (I was going to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some
panties, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. Ok. I lie. I totally shamed him with this information) and he tells
me to come over in the evening. After work I go to Nordstrom’s because I decide
I’m classier than VS (obviously), and then home to shower and change. I listen
to music loudly, put on the closest version of post-shower, movie makeup, and
head to Temple for a pre-makeout Cappuccino since I’m fucking old and need all
the help I can get.
“Ok. Come over”
I park my car at his house. 8:17pm I head into his place and am greeted with a huge smile and a kiss, and he walks into his bedroom and starts putting some of his laundry away. I warm myself by his heater and we chat casually for 5-10 minutes. I take my shoes off and pull him on to the bed. He kisses me. I kiss him back. He kisses me. I kiss him back. Awkward pause. He kisses me. I look at him. He kisses me. I kiss him back. Awkward pause He kisses me. I stare at him. He kisses me. I kiss him back. Awkward pause.
Awkward pause.
“Okay, I really need to finish putting my laundry away and straighten up my place. I just got home and didn’t have time. I really wanted to see you and makeout with you for a minute… but…”
I didn’t. Sorry to get your hopes up. I’ve been thinking a lot about the ways in which my life has changed in the last year, and I think this site needs to evolve with me. More to come.
K: Daddy, your hands are cold. Are you from Amartica? It’s a snowy place.
With the most serious expression… I thought she might tell me that one of he dolls had died.
K: Mom, I have confawdince.
When trying to describe something that occurred yesterday
K: Once upon a very long time ago…
Lying in bed
K: I want to be brown
K: Ray’s brown. I want to be brown like Ray. I want you, and me and… umm… I want us to be brown. Okay?
Me: Um… Well… errr… (I start talking about how everyone is unique and a little different, but she’s not really having it)
K: (Starts whimpering)
Me: (Continuing on)… But were all the same on the inside… we have bones… and red hearts… and…
K: NO MOM… I have a pink heart.
Me: umm… well, no, actually…
K: MOM… It’s PINK.
Me: Ugggh.
Truth be told, I’m not really a big drinker these days. Even more so, I am not a big drinker of the Bourbon; however, this is one of my go to, can’t go wrong, always delicious party punch recipes. I have made this a few times now and I am always stoked on the way that it turns out. It’s not real sweet, or overwhelmed with bourbon flavor, and is primarily made with water, which somehow makes me feel better about it than a lot of other punch drinks.
INGREDIENTS:
2 quarts water
1 cup fresh lemon juice
1 cup honey
1 3-inch piece of ginger, peeled and sliced
6 cups orange juice
4 cups pear nectar
1 liter bourbon (I use Bulleit)
2 lemons sliced (garnish)
Ice for serving
DIRECTIONS:
In a large pot, 2 quarts water, lemon juice, honey, and ginger. Bring these to a boil and let simmer on medium for 5 minutes. Strain into a large bowl and let cool. (Depending on time constraints, you may want to put some ice in a large bowl and set the smaller bowl with the lemon ginger syrup in it and stir to assist in it cooling faster.) Transfer the cooled lemon-ginger syrup into a pitcher or large bowl for serving. Add orange juice, pear nectar, bourbon and lemon slices. Serve over ice.
I should have known that it would come to this; It was only a matter of time. $18.50 for some chemical-free pitt paste is crazy business, especially when I have this huge 13.5 pound bag of baking soda that I bought on accident a few months ago when making bath bombs. I looked around at the ingredients on a variety of natural deodorants and found that most of them are made with basically the same ingredients, with the main difference being whether or not to add beeswax. Of course, the best part of making your own deodorant is deciding what smells you want to add, so you’ll want to experiment with that on your own. Here is the base recipe that I used:
Makes approximately 10 ounces
INGREDIENTS
1/2 cup arrowroot powder
1/2 cup baking soda
1/2 cup coconut oil
1/3 cup beeswax
Essential Oils
4 3-ounce jars (I used these Weck jars)
DIRECTIONS:
1. Mix together arrowroot powder and baking soda.
2. In a saucepan over medium heat, combine coconut oil and beeswax until beeswax has been incorporated.
3. Combine wet and dry ingredients. Stir. Add essential oils. As they cool they will continue to thicken, so you will want to work a bit fast so that the mixture can be put in the jars easily.
Just by looking at it, it seems like the right consistency. I am going to give a jar to the neighbor, so we will see if I have her coming back and begging for more (hah!). For this first lot I used sage, bergamot, black pepper, tea tree, and grapefruit essential oils… since that is the combination that is used in the deodorant I currently buy. The only thing I will say about natural deodorant is that it is not an anti-perspirant; you WILL sweat, but it wont stink. This took me a bit to get used to, but now it is just the way that it is and it doesn’t bother me. Some people have issues with rashes with baking soda, so obviously this wouldn’t be the recipe for you. In the future, I look forward to playing with various combinations, pending on what mood i’m in. If you’re not sure what to use, you cant go wrong by going to Whole Foods and finding a premixed blend like NOW essential oils “Cheer up Buttercup” and using that. I’ll update this post in a month or so after I have tried it for awhile. As for now, I call it a win.
In truth, I was tempted to not write “vegan” in the title of these chocolate chip cookies because they are amazing, vegan or otherwise. This is another recipe that comes from my boss (and friend) and just knocks it out of the park. Matt and I have been on this fitness kick and haven’t been eating much of this sort of thing, but if i’m going to feel guilty about something, these are worth it. The only drawback about these is that you do need to plan slightly ahead, because the dough needs to refrigerate for 12-24 hours. On the plus, prep time is minimal, so you just have to know how to ignore the pile of cookie dough in the fridge all day… ahem…
INGREDIENTS:
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp baking soda
1 1/4 dark chocolate chips (double check the ingredients to make sure they’re vegan if thats important to you)
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup olive/canola/grapeseed oil
1/4 cup water
1 tsp vanilla
Coarse grain sea salt (garnish)
DIRECTIONS:
In a large bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Add the chocolate chips to the flour mixture and toss to coat. In a separate bowl, whisk the sugars briskly with the oil and water until smooth and incorporated. Add vanilla. Stir. Add the wet and dry ingredients until combined, do not over mix. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and place in the fridge for 12-24 hours. (NO CHEATING!) Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line two pans with foil (spray with a little olive oil) or parchment paper. Remove dough from the refrigerator and use an ice cream scoop (or spoon) to portion into 2 inch balls. Freeze the balls for 10 minutes; this will help them retain their shape better when baking. Sprinkle the balls of dough with coarse sea-salt and bake 12-13 minutes until golden. Careful not to overbake.
Making vanilla extract at home is almost unworthy of a blog post because it is so easy, but bottling and gifting it is so cute, I couldn’t resist. This year, I decided to make a bunch for my work family and friends that I usually don’t give gifts to, but always wish I had, and it worked out perfectly.
DIRECTIONS:
Separate the vanilla beans into two equal sized piles, one pile for each jar. Using your scissors, split the vanilla beans lengthwise, leaving the top 1/2 inch connected at the top. Place the vanilla beans in the jars and fill to the top with alcohol (I used Trader Joe’s “Vodka of the Gods”. While I know you can use any 80 proof alcohol, from what I can tell, Vodka seems to be the standard.)
Close off the jar and store in a cool dark place. This should live in your cabinet for at least a month, giving it a shake about once a week, before you plan on bottling it.
BOTTLING:
Once the vanilla extract is ready, open the small 4 oz jars and place 2-3 of the vanilla beans directly in each. This will allow the extract to continue to infuse, as well as allow the user to add small bits of vodka to the bottle to create an “everlasting” vanilla extract. Of course, it wont last forever, and the beans will run out of oomfuh… but we will just call it everlasting because that just makes it seem so much cooler. Using a small funnel, add the extract to each of the bottles. Some people prefer to strain it, but that just seems like crazy talk, so don’t do that. That’s like removing the goldflakes from the Goldschlager…
LABELING:
I created my labels in Photoshop directly and printed them onto the Avery kraft paper; however, there are many free sites that exist for label creation. There are even some free templates available that can be customized, if you’re not savvy in design. If you’re really at a loss, I have my label saved in Photoshop. While I won’t create a totally new custom label for you, I am willing to update mine with your info and send you the jpg, if you’re really good at begging and tell me I’m pretty.
One last note: I’d recommend not putting the labels on the bottles until they have been filled, or they might not look so pretty in the end.
COST:
Bottles: $15.75
Vodka: $10.99
Vanilla Beans: $54.00
Labels: $5.29
Total: $86.03 Total per bottle: $5.74
1. Mix together arrowroot powder and baking soda.
2. In a saucepan over medium heat, combine coconut oil and beeswax until beeswax has been incorporated.
3. Combine wet and dry ingredients. Stir. Add essential oils. As they cool they will continue to thicken, so you will want to work a bit fast so that the mixture can be put in the jars easily.
